Dear All,
Someone amongst you, one of you, has been going around telling little innocent children that the Tooth Fairy does not exist. It’s appalling, and I’m here to tell that she does exist; in fact, as you can see, she has a gender, she’s a she. This letter is to make it clear to you why she exists so that you can stop misguiding poor, innocent gullible souls who have done just fine so far. I send it with the authority vested upon me as a parent, and also based on the fact that indeed, I too believe that she exists because I have seen her at work. We have worked together on all kinds of projects and I can tell you that she always delivers on time and according to instructions.
The Tooth Fairy comes to my rescue on matters not just relating to teeth, but everyday things as well. To systematically show you how, let’s start with what we all know she does best – the teeth. Sometimes, one of my kids will have a tooth that has been shaking in its root for weeks and they won’t let anyone get near it. All I need to say is that if they don’t get it out, the Tooth Fairy is going to send a dog tooth instead of a good tooth. Like magic, the child is suddenly asking everyone if they can help them get the tooth out. As a result, all my children have straight teeth. If a tooth happens to get out on time, the Tooth Fairy and I keep our end of the bargain: she continues to exist and all I have to do is buy cheap candy and place it under the pillow. We, the Tooth Fairy and I, are now exploring how we can actually make sure that we get the straight teeth brushed as recommended.
Sometimes I have to leave the kids for 1 or 2 hours unattended so that I can get an errand done. I only have to say that my Tooth Fairy is watching for any kind of mischief and she will let me know right away if any of the children is causing a ruckus – she just whispers in my ear wherever I am. I can tell you that each time, I get back home and the kids themselves are intact and so is my house. Try that without having the Tooth Fairy help you’ll and see what happens.
There are nights when a tummy is bad and a child cant sleep. Have you ever tried telling them that you’ve just had a word with the Tooth Fairy, and she is sending her sister who is a nurse to come and have a look and the tummy will be better? You see, the Tooth Fairy has a family too and they work in a sort of company where everyone has an allotted role. You know that the bad tummy is nothing serious – the child was trying out the taste of the weeds in the garden, and a trip to the doctor is not really necessary. The Tooth Fairy takes away pain, and she is within reach, and so I use her.The Tooth Fairy has a relative called Snitch. And Snitch sits on the shoulders of children who do bad things and goes back to report everything to the Tooth Fairy herself. My children know that should they be caught in the act, they can forget anything nice that was coming their way because the Tooth Fairy only works with good children. Snitch, oh, I love Snitch. It means that I don’t have to be in the same room with them every waking minute – Snitch is there doing my work for me.
There is another relative I must mention, and her name is Candy. She is terrific for keeping kids on the straight and narrow. She is plump, round and sweet and all she asks is that I have a secret stash of cookies for when we, she and I, need them. Her work is to notice good things that the kids have done. She tells me, and I have to hand out a cookie and say thanks, good boy, or good girl. The buzz from that will last for hours on a kid – I know because I get to rest in that time.
One of the most useful relatives when it comes to matters of hygiene is called Tub. Tub hangs around bathrooms and usually sits on bubbles that are on the soap. If he doesn’t get a bubble to sit on all day from each of us, he can get pretty upset and then the Tooth Fairy has to deal with that – she doesn’t like it at all because it’s hard to make Tub happy. She will get him to smile in the end, but trust me, she won’t be visiting you with anything nice for a while. All children must make bubbles for Tub with soap and water by taking a bath. Tub and I, and the Tooth Fairy of course, make sure that baths are rather regular.
You can see why you cannot possibly say the Tooth Fairy doesn’t exist. I could go on, but I have to go because I have a feeling Snitch has just flown in. I could intervene for whichever child of mine for whom the visit is intended on this one occasion so that the Tooth Fairy doesn’t get to hear about it.
One last time, please, if you are a self-respecting adult who has any kind of regard for the hard job of parenting, do not any child that the Tooth Fairy doesn’t exist. They just might believe you.
